These last several months I have not stopped caring for you with all my heart. Yes you push me away and yes you need space and yes you have told me to move on. But to move on completely is not something I will ever be able to do, even if we are far apart. You’ll always be in my heart. I have thought long and hard and have really sought out a better understanding. I really want to apologise for not understanding everything at the time, especially after intensive care and the months that followed.
I know you have been anxious for some time, even before I came along. You have spoken to me before about not being ready for a relationship and that you were fearful of getting too close. I felt that we got so close and it seemed like even the little things that I was ignorant too, affected and hurt you more than I ever imagined. I pray that you won’t resent me for this. We moved too fast for you and the space that you needed, I feel, enabled you to return to a calmer normal state.
I don’t know all the causes or triggers of your anxiety from the past. But I was always and still am ALWAYS willing to understand them. I always wanted to know how to understand and work through them with you. They would never make me want to abandon you. These last few months have really given me the opportunity to learn how to understand better because I just didn’t get it at the time. I know it can be hard for both of us to deal with certain situations when we’re together or apart, but my care and feelings for you are so strong that I am always prepared to learn how to understand you more. Being calm when I need too, giving you space when I need too, just listening when I need too or just being quiet when I need too, or even just being there and giving you a hug. Waiting for you to share with me how to deal and help with things was something I was always prepared to do without a thought or regret. I realise at the time my ignorance did not help me hear you but I want to listen and know you more.
I didn’t really have a clue at the time but I know now I pushed too hard at times and that made you uncomfortable and then that changed my behaviour and sometimes I took it personally. I really just didn’t have a clue back then. I am truly sorry that I pushed you and pressured you to talk, communicate and just be with me too much at the time. My ignorance just fed the fire to increasingly bombard you with messages that made you feel overwhelmed at the time and I just did not think of anything the right way. My ignorance did not change the way I feel though, but rather just made me reach out to you in the wrong way. But I only ever wanted to understand how to find the right balance with us.
These areas are something I want to continue to learn, understand and grow in. I truly still want to find a balance in our relationship and at a much more comfortable pace if you will give me another chance too one day. I know now that it is important for you to have space and I am sorry that I pushed, I just didn’t get it at the time.
I will always hope that one day when you are ready, that you might give me that chance to firstly be a good friend and stand beside you, and maybe be something more again.
I will never forget us and all of the person I fell in love with. I love you no matter what and you can always come back to me when you are ready. I will always accept you regardless whether you want to be close to me or away from me, I want to be dependable for you. It will make me sad but I am okay with you doing what is right for you. If you are ever ready to talk to me again, please talk to me and share how you feel. I will always want to keep gaining a better understanding of all of the person I love.