A Letter to the One Lost

These last several months I have not stopped caring for you with all my heart.  Yes you push me away and yes you need space and yes you have told me to move on.  But to move on completely is not something I will ever be able to do, even if we are far apart.  You’ll always be in my heart.  I have thought long and hard and have really sought out a better understanding.  I really want to apologise for not understanding everything at the time, especially after intensive care and the months that followed.

I know you have been anxious for some time, even before I came along.  You have spoken to me before about not being ready for a relationship and that you were fearful of getting too close.  I felt that we got so close and it seemed like even the little things that I was ignorant too, affected and hurt you more than I ever imagined.  I pray that you won’t resent me for this.  We moved too fast for you and the space that you needed, I feel, enabled you to return to a calmer normal state.

I don’t know all the causes or triggers of your anxiety from the past.  But I was always and still am ALWAYS willing to understand them.  I always wanted to know how to understand and work through them with you.  They would never make me want to abandon you.  These last few months have really given me the opportunity to learn how to understand better because I just didn’t get it at the time.  I know it can be hard for both of us to deal with certain situations when we’re together or apart, but my care and feelings for you are so strong that I am always prepared to learn how to understand you more.  Being calm when I need too, giving you space when I need too, just listening when I need too or just being quiet when I need too, or even just being there and giving you a hug.  Waiting for you to share with me how to deal and help with things was something I was always prepared to do without a thought or regret.  I realise at the time my ignorance did not help me hear you but I want to listen and know you more.

I didn’t really have a clue at the time but I know now I pushed too hard at times and that made you uncomfortable and then that changed my behaviour and sometimes I took it personally.  I really just didn’t have a clue back then.  I am truly sorry that I pushed you and pressured you to talk, communicate and just be with me too much at the time.  My ignorance just fed the fire to increasingly bombard you with messages that made you feel overwhelmed at the time and I just did not think of anything the right way.  My ignorance did not change the way I feel though, but rather just made me reach out to you in the wrong way.  But I only ever wanted to understand how to find the right balance with us.

These areas are something I want to continue to learn, understand and grow in.  I truly still want to find a balance in our relationship and at a much more comfortable pace if you will give me another chance too one day.  I know now that it is important for you to have space and I am sorry that I pushed, I just didn’t get it at the time.

I will always hope that one day when you are ready, that you might give me that chance to firstly be a good friend and stand beside you, and maybe be something more again.

I will never forget us and all of the person I fell in love with.  I love you no matter what and you can always come back to me when you are ready.  I will always accept you regardless whether you want to be close to me or away from me, I want to be dependable for you.  It will make me sad but I am okay with you doing what is right for you.  If you are ever ready to talk to me again, please talk to me and share how you feel.  I will always want to keep gaining a better understanding of all of the person I love.

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Dealing with Anxiety

See yourself standing on the footpath
Your thoughts being the cars that drive past.
Some cars (thoughts) will drive by slower,
They might go around the roundabout a few times
Eventually, they will go.
If you engage in the thoughts,
Its almost like taking a step into the traffic,
Surely enough you’ll get hit by those cars
And yes, it will hurt.
The more you engage in the thoughts,
The more cars you get hit by and the harder it is
Harder for us to see the sky and to get back up,
To brush ourselves off and move on.
When we learn to disengage in the thoughts
And just see them for what they are (thoughts and nothing else),
We are able to take a step back off the road and just observe from a safe distance.

 

 

Seems Like Loss

I scream when I’m alone
Crying in the darkness
All the pain is such a sharpness
Pushing me away
I’m not going okay

Seems like I’ve lost you now
It felt more real than before
You told me that you loved me
Now I’m not so sure
We wanted a life
It felt so raw
The future held so much for us
Now I’ve lost my trust

My heart is cold alone
You don’t seem to care much now
I don’t understand
Wanna talk but not allowed
Pushing me away
I’m not going okay

Now it’s a race
To give you space
I thought my love meant so much
It means nothing
And now I’m lost, too many feelings

Seems like I’ve lost you now
It felt more real than before
You told me that you loved me
Now I’m not so sure
We wanted a life
It felt so raw
The future held so much for us
Now I’ve lost my trust

Exchange

I pray for the opportunity
To die……
To give me a chance to die for someone else
Mainly because I just don’t want to be here
But I would rather exchange my life for another
Maybe they’ll do better than I
It seems most others do
Others see the bright side
Or they’re living in an imagination world
Blinded by their ignorance
I see the world for what it is
The world is failing and I don’t belong
I will never belong it seems
I’m just too different to be accepted
All the vices that keep others going
Living in their own false world
They think they’re alright but deep down they’re not
I can see the reality of how the world is dying
It affects me and also brings me down in different ways
I consciously or not, offer my help
Thinking of others while they treat me like I’m nothing
Even when I try not to help I can’t control my willingness
I doubt most will see how they treat people like me
Caught up in their own whirlwind
The world made up of materialistic and fake values
I’ve been a survivor but for how much longer
Let me let go of all that I know
And just leave this place
I can’t go against your will but I can ask
Ask for the exchange of my life for another
And each day I’ll continue to look for that opportunity
The only thing that drives me to keep going
Drives me to the end of this world and into the next

Fall into the Next Nothing

Everyday is just another step in a thought process
Thoughts and processing of ways to end
The convenience of living twelve storeys high
Looking down on the pending doom
The feeling of sudden impact
The thoughts of life before the black
I don’t think there would be much to think about
Except all the failures and mistakes
The hope and subsequent disappointments
All should be expected with no surprises
Yes to get kicked down and try and try again
But in the end it’s all for nothing
Keep smiling and keep getting up
But for what end?…….
There’s no point to anything
No direction, no real goals, unless they are ones you wish to fail at
No sense of belonging
A world that doesn’t want you or need you
A world you could never fit into
Even family is gone, nothing
Something you thought would always be there
But they’re just another failure where you don’t belong
There is nothing in this world for me
Nothing to tie myself too
Nothing to live for
There may be a lot of temporary things
But why bother when at the end of that temporary happiness
It suddenly goes back to emptiness, failure and regret
Just let go of life and fall into the next unknown
And be nothing in the next failure

Realised Reality

It’s time….
To let go of hope
Hope always ends with disappointment
Optimism is a fools vice
By the time you realise
Realise what is always real
You will always just be disappointed again
The failings of humankind
Hopes and Dreams hold you together
Until the formidable and eventual end
Where you are just reminded
That the darkness and failures
Have been with you all along
The false reality becomes truth yet again
Reminded of the circular motions
Of life and the foreboding end

Friend in Need

I can feel you’re struggling right now
Things that were once familiar to you have changed
Leaving you feeling a little lost and worried
Life challenges us to grow
By putting us in different situations
But if things seem too difficult
Remember, I’m your friend
You mean a lot to me
And I’m always here if you need me.

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks to Donna Levine